My new obsession

[melissaukgirl]

Witness my new obsession. First it was Chris Pine/Zach Quinto and now American Idol. I'm really now sure what is going on in my brain.

Since at the moment no one is subscribed to my Dreamwidth (I've been on Livejournal but have not updated in quite a while) I will write about all my emotions concerning my now former best friend.

It is a little scary to think about how easily friendship can be lost. There is a part of me that does wish that I maybe handled things differently. But than I look back on how I was used and treated and I thankfully realize that this change is for the best. It is inevitable to move on especially when people are just too different. But its not just that. Subconsciously and consconsciously, I never trusted this person with my feelings. About how hard I fight depression and how it has effected me. Self-confidence has never been my issue, I know that I am smart and pretty and people like me. But everyone has an inner voice that says "Are you sure?" and my former best friend never helped with that.

I became friends with her after having moved to another country for an entire and realizing when I came home that all my friends had moved on. Reverse Culture Shock is a bitch, let me tell you. So it was good to have a friend who was younger and immature but seemed to have experienced some social things that I hadn't. Fast-forward 5 years, I have moved away from home and moved back (but to another state), had a mature serious relationship and have grown up into an adult. I realize now that I wanted to hold on to that feeling of being special, that I was her only "best friend" even though it was a delusion and I knew it.

After a trip to NYC, that I planned and paid for both before and during and that I guided throughout with maps and subway stops, it was a major awakening. I am a better person than someone who does everything for someone but doesn't expect anything in return. It makes me sad to think about what I could have done, what relationships I could have made if I had not kept such a tight hold on someone who pushed me down. Ironically, she was all about boosting my self-esteem. Now after she is no longer a part of my life, I feel better than I have in a long time. Relieved in fact.